okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
