i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
