I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
