direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
