i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
