I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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