I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
