Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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