So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
