I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
