He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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