Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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