i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
