It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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