dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
