i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
