Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
i now understand why vodka
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
