Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
