Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Mom said you looked used
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
