I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
