She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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