She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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