if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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