I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
