There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
