Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
