New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
