I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
