This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
