I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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