I just threw up on my dentist
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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