Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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