hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
