and my herpes radar will keep us safe
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
my shit smells like andre
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
you had me at cake vodka
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
