i wish starbucks made bloody marys
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
