Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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