So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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