I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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