I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
