I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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