i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
