I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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