Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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