just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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