the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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