LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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