It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
