oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
