he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
