My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
