that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
