speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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