ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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